I love being a dad of teenagers. To help grow the toddler into the teen, wo/man-child is a feat of the experimental lab work worthy of Dr Frankenstein. And just as dangerous. I love them, but they can drive me nuts. Often.
They’re a bunch of “top-up” wanting, car stealing, room destroying, fridge emptying, job forgetting, light leaver on-ing, floordrobe filling, “It’s not my turn”, “It wasn’t me who ate the last one and left the empty bread packet/milk container/biscuit packet” (insert your favourite here), apprentice adults.
While I do have in my arsenal a Wikipedia-like amount of Dad jokes to absorb and deflect the stress, there are times when it just gets too much and I “ready, fire, aim” causing carnage with random sprays of anger. Sometimes directed at the right person, but generally just an FOAB (Father of All Bombs) dropped on the house. Fight zone flattened? Sorted.
But only for a nano-moment.
Another knot in the stomach, racing heartbeats, more scattered brain patterns, more wary looks from the “L-plate adults”, another frantic hunt for a set of “lost” keys that are “hiding” under my bag. And another “needed” cup of coffee and craving for sweet muffins/cakes, biscuits… Anything that’ll give the quick comfort fix to kick in those feel-good hormones (which become feel-un-good hormones as my middle age spreads).
Why is that some days the scatter of dirty plates left everywhere but the dishwasher is just a reminder that you’re dealing with wannabe adults, on their learner licences, and you just soak it up. But the next day, the same thing turns you green with anger (insert Incredible Hulk reference here), and you literally explode all over the house, tossing your toys everywhere?
It’s your amygdala manopausal man.
A wee part of your man brain gives you “fight or flight” responses. It kept you and your tribe alive by being on high-alert in the days of sabretooth tigers, but it got to go to sleep when you rolled the cave door shut and lit the fire. Nowadays, there are no doors to shut. Constant high alerts are coming from multiple screens all around you. Noise, traffic, random work and home demands, Netflix restarting every eight seconds, and millions of cat videos to get through.
Your amygdala is in a constant state of agitation like a bee trapped in a bottle. So, you are in a continual fight or flight mode, waiting for the tiger to pounce. Those dishes left on the bench? Danger! Clean washing all over the floor? Danger! Kids laying all over the couch while Mum’s picking up after them? Extreme danger! All you’re trying to do is protect the tribe and keep it safe, but if your amygdala is hyped, what comes out is anger and volatilility. Good news, though: It’s not you, it’s your brain. And your brain is “plastic”; that is to say, you can change it.
This is what I do; it works when I remember to do it. (Note to self, do it more)
Take a “nano-break” three or four times a day. Take 10 slow breaths. In slowly, out slowly. No need to roll out the yoga mat and grow a ponytail. Do it when you feel that “mind fxxx” (rhymes with truck) feeling starting to spread through you. It’ll take the edge off and give you a chance to respond as the dad you want to be – calm, considered, firm but gentle… And maybe, maybe, those “learner adults” will be able to drive a little bit better, by themselves.
When? The best ROI times from a “take 10” are:
- When you’re stuck in traffic – take 10.
- In the car, just before getting home – take 10.
- Coming out of an intense meeting – take 10.
- When you’re feeling loaded – take 10.
And the bonus? You’ll sleep better, you’ll eat less fat and sugar, coffee will be for enjoyment, not medicinal purposes, you’ll look better, be thinner, and you’ll be able to find your keys, first time.
Keep your amygdala safe. Don’t be a tosser.
Tim Corbett likes to cause change and, at times, trouble. He is a husband, father, a sportdad, a speaker, an image maker @timcnz, and the Director of Change at The Change Lab.
